Most people don’t think about death much, preferring to focus on the life they’re living instead. To help them live out the best possible life, bucket lists popped up and now everyone and their mother has one – heck, I might even have one if I would just write it down. The problem with a bucket list, though, is that it forces people to try to accomplish all the things on the list instead of enjoying where life takes them.

So in a reversal of that, here’s my anti-bucket list. 16 things I wish to never do before I die.

  1. Jump out of an airplane/skydive

To start off with this might seem weird because it’s usually at the top of people’s actual bucket list. But in the words of my father, “Why would you jump out of a perfectly operational airplane?” When you can just, you know, not.

 

2. Get eye surgery

I love my eyes and even though I’m partially blind and can’t actually see 10 feet in front of me, I’d rather just put contacts in or wear glasses instead of risking two really important body parts that won’t grow back if the slightest thing goes wrong during surgery.

 

3. Lose my sarcasm and sense of humor

I have a wide range of things that make me laugh, including anti-jokes and memes, so if I lose this I might already be dead.

 

4. Be buried alive

Only people with a strange sense of humor would have this on their bucket list. I’m not claustrophobic, but if I can’t get out of the ground, you can bet I will lose my ever-loving mind.

 

5. Become a lonely spinster

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve already accepted that I’m going to be a crazy cat lady. That’s a no brainer – just ask anyone who’s looked at my Pinterest board. However, having a human being next to me along for the ride would add to the fun. Possibly. Probably. Hopefully.

 

6. Attend a high school reunion

Yeah, no. I graduated for a reason.

 

7. Go to a musical

For some reason, I absolutely despise it when I’m watching a movie and some character randomly bursts into a song.

 

8. Be famous

Although there isn’t much threat of that happening, there’s something about relinquishing all of your privacy and people constantly wanting to know what’s happening in your life that rubs me the wrong way.

 

9. Mistake sugar and salt for each other while cooking

I don’t know if I’ll be crying because what I made would taste horrible or laughing because I was so blind I couldn’t tell the difference.

 

10. Have my teeth fall out

I already didn’t get my Christmas wish of having my two front teeth, because of an accident that may or may not involve a dog, terrified screams and my sister. I’d rather the rest stay in my mouth.

 

11. Be within 10 feet of a shark in open water or closed containers

“Jaws” messed me up guys.

 

12. Go to prison and/or get arrested

If I’m not sobbing hysterically because, hello, prison, I’m praying to God because of the butt-whooping that’s waiting for me at home as soon as I’m out.

 

13. Hold a spider

They scuttle at the speed of light. They’re like the Flash versions of insects (or arachnids  if you’re being technical) that always appear suddenly when you don’t want them and disappear just as quick when you turn around to find a weapon to defend yourself with.

 

14. Go on a diet

I love food. Food loves me. Need I say more?

 

15. Stop reading printed books

There’s nothing quite like the smell and feel of holding an actual book in your hands, the sound of page after page being flipped because you can’t put it down, the satisfaction of closing the book. It’s addicting if you let it be. But, I will admit I have fallen prey to the new age of e-books, and the number of actual books I consume yearly has greatly been reduced.

 

16. Stop taking chances

I want to be able to get up in the morning and be excited to go to my job. Not drag myself out of the bed, glaring at my reflection in the mirror as I get ready because I never accomplished what I wanted out of life. I want to be able to look back on my life, see everything I’ve done and not feel regret that I missed out on anything because I was scared.