By Clarissa Pompa |
I have no clue what I’m doing.
If I am being real, I’ve felt clueless my entire college career. And that career will have spanned six years by the time I graduate in May 2019. That uncertainty only got louder as I realized that I wasn’t graduating early, much less on time. When people asked me what year I was, I gave a bumbling answer about technically being a senior. I was too embarrassed about how long it was taking me to graduate.
When I first started at Baylor in 2013, I tried to tell people that I was doing just as well as they expected, but truthfully I struggled to attend classes. I failed a few classes, switched my degree plan a few times and took a couple of semesters off. Suffice to say, I didn’t graduate in 2017 with my class.
I was ashamed for a lot of reasons. Nevertheless, I will be graduating in May 2019. It’s been a rough few years, and I definitely would change some of the decisions I made–like that second major in math. Wow, that was a time. I know that I’m taking advantage of the time that I have left.
I love my friends, but it’s hard knowing that they’re moving on to post-college life, whatever that may look like. It sucks to see people your age, or even younger, interning at NASA or working for NBC, while I’m still here studying for tests that I should have aced three years ago.
Looking back, I can see the student I used to be — depressed and undisciplined. The new me attends office hours, emails professors, takes medication, sees a counselor and talks to my parents and friends instead acting “strong” and trying to do it on my own.
That planner in my backpack? I’m actually using it and color coding it. My Fridays with no classes? I’m doing next week’s assignments instead of watching Marvel’s Ant-Man again. All that food in my fridge? It’s not soda and pizza, it’s fruits and superhero string cheese. My paycheck? Half of it is going into savings instead of me relying on past Clarissa to save some money for next month. That never happens, and really I should know this by now.
I have learned the hard way what it looks like to hit bottom. The past two years showed me how to scale the walls and make me proud of the super senior I am.
And yes, I slip up. I watch a movie when I’m locked out of the car instead of using that time to work on an assignment. I go to Sonic too often, but I’m trying and for the most part, I’m succeeding. I do miss those friends who have graduated, but now I know so many people in ways I never would have if I had graduated in 2017. I still think that I have no earthly idea what I’m doing, but I’m working on how to put myself out there in a way I never did in those first three years.
It’s late, later than most it seems, but honestly, better late than never.